The first time I noticed you
            you were hanging around, looking down
                                     at the action from the cafe balcony
                        and noticing me, interested in what
            I was doing, all this reading--

You were young,
            all deep-eyed nervous stillness, and fine-limbed,

                                                                                        like a young deer
                                                                           waiting to be caught in the headlights
                                                 wanting that excitement of almost getting caught--

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You became obvious to me,

                       your badly hidden curiosity
                                    revealing you glancing over too often

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I started to look for you

                       to notice you as a person, I could feel your intensity

                                                watched how you stood, your muscles twitching to run
                                                                          but your brain and heart keeping you still.

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One evening, months later, I sat and scanned

                                                till I found you, teaching young ones,
                                                           and kept glancing, finding you watching me as often--

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                                    but then, once, I looked up and you didn’t look away
                                                kept your eyes locked on mine,

                                                                          beyond my look away and back
                                                                                       and look away again and back--

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You were breaking the rules, scaring me

                                                so I kept my head down, careful now--

                                    and then later on you walked right by me

                                                                                                   as if I didn’t exist
                                                                                                               and a part of me

                                                                         applauded--

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I checked you out then, using technology to find you

                                               and found a young boy shoring himself up
                                                            with the tiles of others’ words, showing everyone
                                                                         how hard it is to keep himself intact
                                               with everything that has already happened
                                                            letting wise words and tips and mottos bandage up

                                                            the damage,

                                                                         revealing how his past hurts
                                                            still haunt him, still bind him
                                               drive him to look for inappropriate love

                                         revealing himself in ways he was unconscious of--

Such a strong young stag, forever caught

                                               in headlights, forever testing could he get away,
                                                           always choosing someone he knew he could escape.

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And though I longed to play the game,

                         to feel again the overwhelming urgency, the drive

                                               to lose myself and all my problems, disappointments, hurts
                                                           in the luxury of another
                                                                        --and such a beautiful other--

​

                                         I knew it would not help either one of us.

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And now, years later, we are back

                                               still instantly aware though acting as if not,
                                                          still drawn to dance around and then draw back

                                               You, though older, are still too young and I am still not free
                                         I am older still, and greyer, still more tired
                             and more lonely and the strength I had before
                                         has dwindled now, leaving me the weaker one

                                               the hare caught in headlights, longing for the hit.